Now You See Me, No You Don't
by Chloe Winchester
Summary: Before and after The Kiss in COG. Magnus is tired of being hidden and being ashamed of. He decides to tell Alec just how much it hurts. Angst ensues. Malec! Fluff! and NOT a lemon, sorry Plz R


**Now You See Me, No You Don't**

"Magnus, what's wrong?" Alec asked, shutting the door behind him. Magnus had his back to him, and for good reason.

Magnus was breathing hard, his jaw clenched, tears in his eyes. "Magnus?" The warlock swallowed and blinked the tears away.

"You, Alexander, you," He said, turning to face him. "That's what's wrong with me." Alec looked at him, confused.

"What did I do?" He asked. Magnus shook his head, smiling ruefully, painfully.

"You care about me, right?" He asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Yes…You know I do." He said.

"Then why, why are you so afraid to show it?" He asked. Alec looked at the floor, obviously uncomfortable.

"You know why." He mumbled. Magnus shook his head, glitter falling from his straightened hair, shutting his eyes.

"Yes, Alec, I do," He said. "You want to keep us a secret. You want to make sure no one knows you're dating the gay warlock. Because Mommy and Daddy wouldn't like that very much, would they?" Alec opened his mouth to protest. Magnus cut him off. He was hurt, deeply hurt, and angry. "No, no they wouldn't want their precious little boy to be soiled by such a disgusting creature as myself. They wouldn't care if you were gay, but oh no, Alec, not the Downworlder. That wouldn't look very good, would it? And you go right along with it. You're so concerned about how it would _look_. You're so ashamed of me you won't even _look_ at me in public, will you?"

"Magnus, I-"

"Alec, there is so much, _so_ much that I love about you. But you know what I hate about you? You're so incredibly self-centered." He said. Alec blanched.

"I-I am?"

"You're so worried about what other people will think about you and I being together. You insist that we keep our relationship a secret from everyone because you're scared. I know you're scared, and I know you don't want to tell anyone. But have you ever taken the time to wonder how that makes _me_ feel?" He asked, tears in his eyes again.

Alec looked at the floor, guilt in his blue eyes.

"No, no Alec you don't. You don't take the time to think that maybe, maybe when I try and take your hand with only one other person in the room and you push me away that it hurts? Or when I try to even look at you when you're around the others and you _deliberately _look away that I don't feel worthless? You make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Like I'm not good enough; and I _try_ Alec, I try to be good enough for you. But…" He stopped, turning around and wiping his eyes. "But I'm not Jace, Alec."

Alec jumped back as if Magnus had hit him.

"I can't be him, Alec, I can't," Magnus continued. "But that's the only person you seem to see."

"What are you talking about?" Alec asked, taking a step toward him.

"You say you care about me, right?" He asked again. Alec nodded again. "Then why can't you see me?"

"Magnus, I do see you. I'm looking right at you-"

"That's _not_ what I mean, Alexander!" He spat. "You always look at him, always. Even when I'm there you look at him. He's all you see. I just…I want you to see _me_ for once. I want you to sit in a room and see only me, no matter how crowded it is."

Alec was looking at the floor, unable to deny what he was saying.

"Damn it, Alec, _LOOK AT ME_!" He screamed. Alec's head snapped up. Tears were streaming down his face, his fists were clenched, small sparks of blue going between his fingers. But he didn't look angry, he looked heart broken. "Please, Alexander. Please, just look at me. Do you understand how much I can love you? Do you understand that I will never hurt you and I will do anything, _anything_ to make you happy? I can't stand seeing you hurt, and I would never be able to bring myself to hurt you in any way. I can give you so much…" He shook his head. "I'm not going to be your outlet anymore, Alec. It hurts too much for me to do that. I want to love you like you should be loved. But not unless you can love me too," He swept past him, long black coat swirling behind him. "You have to choose, Alec," He said softly, still crying. "Someone that can love you forever, or someone that can never love you."

"Magnus-"

He shut the door, gone.

Alec bowed his head, a tear sliding down his cheek.

"Come back."

* * *

He looked around the hall, past the hundreds of people, Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike. He was just looking for one person, just one person. He understood now. Everything was so blatantly clear he couldn't believe he didn't see it sooner. He knew who he loved. Who he cared about more than anything in the world.

His eyes lit up when he saw him. He was standing there, looking around at the other people lining up to get marked. His bright eyes were a shocking contrast against his outfit, which was all black. Some would see it as a stealth mechanism, to help him fight. Alec knew better. Magnus wore black when he was sad.

"There's Magnus." He said, walking away from Simon, Isabelle and Maia.

He tried not to run to him, but it was so hard.

Magnus jumped when he suddenly appeared in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" He asked stiffly. Alec rubbed the back of his neck.

"I, uh, you don't have a partner for this, do you?" He asked. Magnus looked at him, his face blank and unreadable.

"No." He said, voice stoic. Alec swallowed, still uncomfortable.

"Neither do I," He said. There was a long silence. "Um, do…do you wanna be my partner?" Magnus nodded, his expression not changing. His hand was stiff as Alec held it, drawing the rune. When he was finished he hesitated letting go of Magnus' hand.

"Well, that's done." Magnus said blandly. "I guess I'll see you one the field."

Alec looked at him for a beat before wrapping his arms around him and kissing him, really kissing him.

Magnus froze, unable to comprehend that the soft lips pressing against his were Alec's. Alec broke away from him after a few moments, but he kept his face close.

"I'm sorry," He whispered. "I'm so sorry, Magnus."

"What about Jace?" Magnus said softly, still in shock. Alec gave him a small smile.

"Who's Jace?" Magnus's eyes grew a fraction. Alec moved to kiss him again but he pulled back.

"Alexander, do you not see all of these people here?" He asked, looking around. Alec touched his face, gently caressing his cheek.

"All I see is you." He whispered. Magnus smiled. Alec kissed him again. And Magnus kissed him back, holding him close. He felt so unbelievably happy he was wondering why he wasn't flying. Alec chose him. He chose him! It took all of his will power to pull away from those lips, but he had to.

"If we live through this fight, we'll talk, okay?" Magnus said, catching his breath. "But right now, I think we should stop before your mother has a stroke." Alec's face went a deep red and he let his head fall.

"Crap." He said. Magnus chuckled and kissed his cheek.

"Don't worry," He assured. "She won't hate you. And I love you, that's all you need to know."

* * *

Magnus stepped out of the shower, toweling his now lank hair. He'd pulled on a pair of black pants, tight as usual but he hadn't bothered to put on a shirt yet. He was meeting Alec in a little while to talk.

Or, at least that's what he thought the plan was.

"Oh!" Magnus jumped when he saw Alec sitting on his bed.

"Sorry!" Alec said, standing and hiding his face and blushing.

"It's alright," Magnus said, getting his breath back. "You just startled me, that's all." Alec looked at him, his eyes flickering from his face to his chest to the floor. Magnus smiled and tossed the towel behind him.

"I, uh, I just wanted to talk to you, uh, now," He mumbled, trying not to stare at Magnus' lean body. "I missed you." Magnus walked over to him, touching his face.

"You're cute," He said. Alec's blush deepened for two different reasons. One, what Magnus had said and two, Magnus was half naked and very close to him. "Especially when you're pink."

Alec looked up at him.

"I'm sorry," He said, genuine remorse in his eyes. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to, and I didn't want to. But I was selfish. I only thought about myself and not you…You deserve better, Magnus."

"Hey," Magnus took his hand, leading him back to the edge of the bed and sat down with him. "Don't tell me what I deserve and what I don't, Alexander. I don't want better," He cradled his cheek in his hand. "I want you. I love you, so much. So very, very much. And I don't need better. I need you." He kissed him softly, and let his lips continue to brush against his.

"I love you too." Alec breathed, goosebumps rising on his arms at the feel of the warlock's lips. Magnus kissed him again, softer, gentler. Alec deepened it, wrapping his arms around his neck and tangling his fingers in his damp hair.

Magnus ran his hands up inside Alec's faded shirt, carefully touching his soft skin. Alec shivered and let Magnus pull it over his head. The warlock continued to touch him. Alec sighed. He ran his own shaking hands down Magnus' warm chest, feeling a buzzing in his fingertips, like electricity coursing through him.

Magnus pulled Alec with him on the bed, noses and lips ghosting over each other. Alec scooted back, closer and closer to the pillows, watching Magnus come at him, looking even more like a cat than he usually did. Magnus clasped his hands on his hips, gently thumbing his ivory skin and kissing him. He leaned over him brushing his hair out of his face and kissing him deeply.

Alec's hands were on his back, his heart pounding.

"Magnus," He whispered. "I'm…I'm not-"

"Shh…I know, I know. Just let me hold you, Alexander." He lied on top of him, propped on his elbows, for a long time. Stroking his hair, his neck, his back, his chest and kissing his face.

"I heard about your brother…" He said. Alec winced. "I'm so sorry, Alec-"

"No," Alec blurted, tears in his perfect eyes. "No, Magnus, not right now. Please not right now."

"Alright, alright! Shh…Shh, sh, shhhh," He soothed. "I won't, Alec. I won't say anything more, shh…" He kissed the few tears Alec didn't want to let fall off of his face.

"I love you, Magnus," Alec said quietly. "And I'm yours. I'm completely yours." Magnus hugged him close.

"I was yours first." He breathed. They looked at each other, lost in the other's eyes. Completely and utterly in, without a single doubt, love.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" Alec asked. Magnus smiled, lying next to him and pulling the covers over the both of them. Alec lied his head and his arm on his chest, never wanting to let go.

"I'll never hurt you again, Magnus." He promised. Magnus kissed him, chaste and gentle.

"I'll love you forever, Alexander." Alec nuzzled his face deeper into his chest; Magnus hugged him a little tighter.

And they fell asleep in each other's arms, at peace in blissful oblivion.

**END**

--Yeah, fluffy I know. Feedback plz!!!--


End file.
